Doughnuts: a cautionary tale

I had locked myself in the bathroom at work, tears rolling down my face, my stomach in cramps.

No, I wasn’t upset or ill; I was convulsing with laughter, letting it all out after having kept it in for the past couple of hours. I had been in serious danger of exploding in the office.

Meanwhile, my colleague Sarah was fuming with anger, as she stomped across the road to Sainsbury’s, carrying a half-eaten bag of doughnuts.

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She had bought them as a treat for the office, but when another colleague, Matt, bit into one during his break, he’d had an unpleasant surprise.

Jam

According to witnesses, he picked up the doughnut, took a big bite, and promptly spat it out into the bin, disgustedly declaring that’s no jam. He claimed there was tomato ketchup inside the doughnut; he hated ketchup under any circumstances, and certainly despised it in a doughnut.

News of this strange occurrence quickly spread around the office, everyone bemused as to how a doughnut could contain ketchup. Sarah became angry, and determined to ask Sainsbury’s for an explanation. She grabbed the bag of remaining doughnuts, and marched out the door.

Explosions

After finally managing to compose myself, I unlocked the bathroom door and started to walk back upstairs to the office. Half way up, I exploded in an uncontrollable outburst of laughter, and had to retreat back into the bathroom to calm myself down.

Sarah returned from Sainsbury’s triumphant; they had apologised and given her a replacement bag of doughnuts, for free.

Sorry

Completely baffled by Sarah’s story, they had explained that the doughnuts were made elsewhere and delivered to the store, so they had no idea how ketchup could have been inserted instead of jam. Still, they were very sorry and that was good enough for Sarah.

I finally emerged from the bathroom and resumed work at my desk, somehow keeping a straight face as the news of Sarah’s triumph reached me.

You see, I had inserted ketchup into that doughnut.

I Dare You

It wasn’t premeditated; I had, by chance, been alone in the break room and had seen the bag of doughnuts on the table. There also just happened to be a McDonald’s sachet of ketchup, looking at me, as if to say I dare you.

Well, I dared.

And it was magnificent.

 

 

 

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